Monday, July 12, 2010

Tips From The Edge

I don't have time to send post cards, so I'm writing tips. Just a few. Plus, I never have stamps with me. Never. Let alone post card stamps. Seriously. Do people still send those?

Have your salt ready, because you might need more than one grain.
(Mostly this is therapy for me.)

**Warning - one mild adult sentence below referring to 'it.'**

If you ever meet a mom with more than one child and you are surprised, and you would like to know how that whole thing happened, do your best to refrain from asking said mom if her children are "natural." Because she thinks her children are indeed natural. She felt them kick and watches them grow and is otherwise very taken with the miracle of life. The opposite of natural? Robots? Cyborgs? Fantasy dolls dressed to look like babies? All babies are natural. The term you are probably looking for is "spontaneous." She might prefer that. Actually, unless you have developed some sort of relationship with this woman, just skip this question entirely. She probably doesn't want to use words like 'artificial insemination' in an aisle at Target. Which brings me another tip that might be helpful. Don't assume siblings that are the same age were conceived via in vitro. (Ah-hem! I'm talking to you, intern doc, night mine were born, making your permanent medical records. By the way, our story is here. In case you are wondering. It's cool, we're not in Target right now.)

If you skip the natural question, (it's tough, kudos to you if you do) you might have the urge to say, "you have your hands full." Go ahead and say it, but she/he (maybe you meet a papa) might have heard that one. Maybe.

But what should you say?

Feel free to use any of these: (Although I cannot guarantee a positive reaction from the other end of the conversation. These are just slightly more inventive than your typical multiple family conversation.)

"Three babies. Wow. Here is some cash for diapers."

"(whistle) Let's hope not all of them get into college, huh? Hopefully at least one of them will join a rock band. Or invent something."

"Three chore people! Lucky!"

"Your carbon footprint must be huge."

"So, what's the transportation situation? You rockin the mini? Sportin' the suburb? Rollin' in a wagon?"

"Which one has super powers?"

"So, how many times do you have to do 'it' in a night to get more than one?" (Ahh! That's too much for a family blog. Sorry. I couldn't resist.)

"Triplets. Amazing. Have they started reading each other's minds yet?"

"So who is on Team Jacob and who is on Team Edward?"

"So, what is their sign?"

"Where are the reality cameras?" -Wait!! Stop!! Make no mention of any kind of reality show. Three kids the same age is not a big deal to these reality show people. They want to see 20 kids - minimum. And the mom you meet definitely in no way, shape or form wants to be compared to Kate Gosselin. For the love of Mike, whatever you do, make no reference to this woman when talking to a mom of multiples.

Well, that should do for now. And if for some reason you have said any of the don'ts already, don't sweat it. She is probably so scatter brained from changing 24-30 diapers a day and conducting 10-24 feedings (depending on age of said multiples and it's usually 18 at our house) that she won't remember it if you do.

Because, if she were really honest with herself, she loves when people ask about her children. She and her husband probably went through a lot or waited very long to get them here and is probably very proud of her wee ones that they are so healthy and that they fought through being very very tiny. She probably had about a million people praying for her family and has lots of help getting through her day. She probably thinks it is a miracle that they smile and make eye contact and do normal, healthy baby stuff in general. Even if you find out later that she has some blog where she writes things she doesn't want people to say to her, she loves to talk about her kids. Even if it's the same question over and over. I'm just guessing anyway.

See? I told you to have your salt handy.


michael. mindy. dane. said...

I vote Gabe for becoming the Rockband star. Or is it a rock and roll star? Either way...he'll do it. That, or he'll read.

The Texas Trio said...

The best is yet to come! All the comments keep coming for a while still but it looks like you all have the right attitude about it. We would not make any eye contact with people. The worst I had? Two Moms were talking right behind me one day when I had the kids. The one said to the other "Oh, look at the cute Triplets" to which the other replied "Yeah, that's what you get with fertility drugs." I turned around and said "unfortunately not all of us are as blessed as others to be able have children without any assistance." My wife's best response was to the "natural" question. She said "if you mean did my husband and I have sex to get them the answer is yes."

Keep laughing and carry earplugs:)

McNeil Family said...

You are so so funny. Just made my day. Still laughing. Good luck with the comments to come... I know those three little faces make it all worth it!

mikedegering said...

Uh..... so when do you need a baby sitter? I will quit my neighbors tomorrow. I can make three times as much with your kids!

I don't know why but this is something i could see McKay saying.

David and Brooke Gallagher said...

love it! thanks for giving me the right attitude check for myself! I might not have trips but I love when I get comments like " are you not her Mexican nanny?, are you sure she is yours or where did you adopt her from?" Come on, anything possible people!