There are some moments you want to forget about. Moments you definitely shouldn't put to paper. But something is nagging me, telling me I need to write it down, for whatever reason.
Be kind. I'm still a little fragile about the whole day.
Late afternoon. The kids are all in the gated play room, screaming at me and for me. All three wailing like their world is falling apart.
I'm in the garage. Sobbing. Glad I'm familiar with my speed dial because I can't see through my stinging tears.
My husband answers and can hear the mayhem before I even say anything.
"What's wrong? What happened? Is everyone alright? Is someone hurt?"
Still sobbing, barely able to choke out the words I manage to tell him that the kids haven't napped today because Christian keeps climbing out of his crib so Sunny followed and I'm tired and we are all so tired and they keep climbing out of their crib and they won't sleep and I know they need to sleep because they are all so grumpy and I can't calm anyone down and I can't handle the day anymore. I'm just so tired. But Christian--he just keeps getting out of his bed and climbing into their beds. They are all so tired. I just need to lay down for a few minutes. My body is just so tired today. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
"Kara, I'm 15 minutes away, I'll be right there."
I hang up and return to my still wailing little ones. They see my tears and slow theirs down a little. I gather them up like little chicks and sit on our big chair and we all cry. Christian looks up after a while, his own tears have stopped. He says, "Mommy sad?"
Yes Christian, mommy is sad because she is tired and thinks we all need a nap.
"Nap. Book, mommy?"
He hands me a book that was on the arm of the chair and I flip through the pages, talking about the pictures. Gabe and Sunny managed to fit in each nook of my arm and are both asleep before the end of the story. Christian, sitting across from me now, says "a-men" at the end of the story.
I look down and notice Gabe and Sunny sleeping soundly and so peacefully and start to cry again. This time my tears are a little less intense. The little monkey who can't be bothered to stay in his crib and nap, the only little one still awake, hops down from the chair when he hears the garage open. "Daddy home!"
Daddy comes in and my sleeping ones wake up to his voice and its decided we all go for a drive. (We're a one car family lately.) The excitement of putting on coats and shoes shakes off the sleepy eyes and previous grumpiness.
We get in the car and drive through neighborhoods we'll never live in (4 car garages, iron gates) and toss goldfish crackers back to the passengers. I still cry intermittently. I feel embarrassed, a little ashamed, kind of like I failed some significant test. Because I was just tired. I JUST wanted to lay down for a few minutes. Something I usually do when they do.
Then it compounded when I thought of the other little one coming in July. Who thinks I will be able to do this? Not this girl. Not at that moment. We picked up dinner from a drive-thru window.
When we got back, I went and laid down. Dad fed them dinner and put them to bed, all while their hysterical mommy slept off her episode. Chris came in and woke me up after they were down, knowing I don't like to sleep that late in the day. I thanked him for his help. Then I thanked him for marrying me. Then I thanked him for staying married to me. Then I started to cry again. He was sweet and gentle and said all the right things to make me feel like a normal person again.
He also told me when he put the kids to bed, they were so tired that Sunny literally dove into her crib and Gabe didn't ask for his usual four or five bedtime prayers. One prayer and he plopped right down. And Christian? Christian actually climbed into his crib and put himself to bed.
We both laughed when he told me that.