Part of this reprogramming involves putting all your fears about giving birth on the table for an up close examination. I made a list.
The more benign parts of the list that were easy to erase. Diapers for four, the cost of another child, two bedroom house for 6 people, eh, we'll live. The trio can't be in diapers forever, I really don't NEED to keep my Netflix subscription. (Because canceling Netflix will even out the cost of a new baby.) And close quarters will bring us closer. (Right?)
But the one that stuck, the one I'm still working on is the image and memory of my babies hooked up to machines in the NICU. Feel free to browse the past for a reminder of what the littles looked like hours after they were born. I'm not going to repost the pictures here. I don't need to for my sake. They are still emblazoned in my mind.
Which is part of the problem. I am supposed to have this image of what scares me in my mind, then do this relaxation technique where my subconscious erases that image that is causing fear. So far, that image will not dissolve.
Am I afraid this baby will end up in the NICU? Yes. Those 14 weeks spent were some of the hardest of my life. But I don't think that's the reason I'm having such a hard time erasing the image.
While we all went through a sort of purgatory during our time there, it also doubled as a refiner's fire. There are experiences and lessons I had that have made me stronger. My mettle is a bit more cast. I witnessed angels on earth in the form of nurses and occupational therapists. Angels that I can still keep in touch with and am able thank for saving our lives.
I felt the heavens closer than I ever have before and sealed parts of my faith in tears and pain.
I have a few more weeks to work through letting go of the yucky fear part. It's still there. But the good stuff, the parts that brought us here, 28 months later I will hold onto forever.
Now for some positive imagery about the diaper tree I'm going to plant in the backyard.