I should be asleep. But we are a few minutes away from the big B-day. I'm finding myself in reflection once again. (I know, it's getting old.) One year ago I was in the operating room. Crazy. There are a lot of things I could write about. A lot of things I could say. Maybe make fireworks come though your screen in celebration of our two pound miracles turning one. But only one thing is coming to my mind.
We didn't do this alone.
I used to have them daily--sometimes hourly--depending on the situation. Little thoughts would creep into my brain about how inadequate I felt to be mama, mama, mama. How ill-prepared I was. How completely scared of messing up raising three babies the same age. (I think Chris was born for this. It's so natural for him. And if he's ever felt less than what he is, he's never let me know. My rock.) Sometimes it was crippling. The realization that I was given this gift of three spirits at the same time often left me weeping with feelings of failure before I even started! What a sight for any flies on the wall. Giant pregnant woman holding her bulging belly and apologizing to it for being an unfit mother before she was even a mother at all.
But before these thoughts could really plant themselves in my head, another quite opposite thought came to my heart. But this one always warmed me from head to toe. It was always quiet and gentle. You're not going to be doing this alone. I would never ask you to do something you can't handle. You're stronger than you know. Just wait. I'll show you.
I did see. I've never been alone. Angels both unseen and of flesh and blood have been by our sides. Even as I write this, that warm feeling is again in my heart. Even a year later, still not alone. Which is a good thing because I definitely need the help. I keep trusting and it makes my fear and deficiencies lessen. I'm not sure if the fear and inaptness will ever disappear completely. (I am a person after all.) Maybe I'm glad. Because praying for strength on a daily basis I believe has actually made me stronger. So instead of crippling inadequacy, it's more like limping inadequacy. I can handle limping.
Three minutes that will always have my heart!
Here is my little birthday present to all of you. A little peek at what was going on in the pre-delivery room hours before the birth. I was having magnesium pumped into my body and was extremely hot. (Meaning temperature. Just in case you watch the video and think I meant really really good looking.) I can't believe I'm putting this on the www interweb world of cyberspace.
ps - Love love love the narrator. He actually is hot.
Pictures of my little monsters next post...