I can't help it. I learned stuff this past year. Like, good stuff.
So bear with me while I share. Feel free to check back in February when I'm not as contemplative. As I am a fan of disclaimers before posts, please allow this one:
I'm only thirty. I have not learned everything. Not even close. Even the lessons I've learned, have way more stuff (such an all encompassing word, isn't it?) embedded within it than I could learn in this lifetime. So while I may know more than I did in 2009, I'm still in need of education.
Let Go. You Have Enough.
At first, it was beyond painful to be in the maternity ward seeing a new mother being wheeled down the hall with a tiny bundle in her arms following the days I delivered my own tiny bundles, whom I had not yet held. I was jealous of their sweet smiles they gave their new little miracle, wondering if they knew of the horror that was little plastic boxes and ventilators just down the hall holding fragile bodies, some barely holding on. (I was still very hormonal.)
But then, a few days later, I noticed a sign in the NICU unit on one of the doors.
Please Do Not Disturb. Bereavement.
How embarrassed I was of my earlier feelings of sadness for myself and envy toward women I didn't even know. I still had my babies. So maybe I wasn't being wheeled out the front door with them in my arms, some mother was leaving with no baby at all. I could still stand by their bed and watch their tiny ribs work and check their vitals on the monitor. Some mother did not have that. When I said goodbye to my infants that day, when I said, "See you tomorrow baby," I wept for a woman I did not know.
It was okay it took three months for the wheelchair ride down the hall. (Which, by the way, no actual wheelchair involved.) They all came home, and that was enough.
I have since reached for this lesson often. Just recently even. Our Christmas cards turned out weird and were sent out late. Ninety-percent of my holiday "to-do" list did not get done. (The ninety-percent part is not an exaggeration.) Chris was given his Christmas Eve pajamas yesterday. But all season, I was surrounded by people who loved me. I spent time with people I loved. Dear friends and family sent their own, not weird cards to our home. Despite the bone chilling cold, my heart and soul felt warm because of a loving Savior. So I let it all go. Because I had enough.